What Matters Most: A Tribute to Mom

It's unfortunate that we never truly know how much a loved one means to us until we're faced with the risk of losing them. I of course love my mother beyond words, but it wasn't until a few days ago while driving home from work and I received a text from my wonderful dad that read "Call me A.S.A.P on my cell or at home" that I began to have flashes of all the reasons that this is the case. My blood ran cold. First of all, my father is a hard working man who would not be at home at 4:30 p.m. on a Monday afternoon. He works until 8 on Mondays. Secondly, he rarely texts and never asks to be contacted on his cell. He only ever uses it for outgoing calls. I knew something was wrong.

I parked in my condo's parking garage, raced to the elevator forgetting half of my belongings in my car in urgency to get to an area that had full phone service. Taking a deep breath while attempting to push the negative from my mind, I dialed.

"Jess", he said as soon as he picked up, "You've got to book that flight. That one Mom talked to you about last night. The deal ends today and she wanted me to remind you."

"Ok" I replied, feeling a bit relieved that this was all he was calling about, but something in the back of my mind told me there was more. See my mom is an angel who does everything to help others before even giving a thought to herself. If she wanted me to book that flight and was able to call she would have called me herself.

"You have to do it, Jess," he said again. "Mom's in intensive care. She's very sick." My heart felt like it had been ripped out. I couldn't understand. I had just talked to her the night before. She was fine aside from what sounded like a chest cold. "The Doctor's say they are hopeful they can reverse it. She's gonna be fine but she needs our prayers."

Naturally I crumbled. I wanted to get on the next flight. My dad said, "Don't do this. She's going to get through this. You go book that flight."

"Tell her I love her." I said with heaving sobs while moments spent hearing her over Skype the night before when she told me how proud she was of me, replayed in my mind. All I wanted was to be next to her. Her, the woman who does for others before she ever gives a second thought about herself. All those reasons that I love her beyond words began flooding my mind and I began to become completely undone at the thought of a world and a life without her in it.

Dad said to book the flight and say prayers. I did. But the feelings bouncing around my core, like electricity attempting to escape with no outlet, drove me nutty all night. I felt completely helpless, not knowing the true scenario and what sort of chances she had of recovering. I got the feeling that my dad was in a bit of shock and perhaps was doing his best not to divulge full details to avoid me becoming frantic. I later found out both were true.

Had my doting father, a wonderful and loving husband to my mother, not had his late start day that morning, my mother would have died. An extreme and vicious case of pneumonia that went septic, poisoning her blood and threatening her vital organs, almost took her from us, but she's a fighter and faithful. She pulled through.

My mom, is such an incredible woman  in so many ways and has been such an amazing support to me and my brothers. She steadies me,  knocks sense into me with her wise advice,  encourages me in all that I do, and motivates me to be the best woman I can be while seeing that there truly are no limits. Through my latest writing endeavors my mother and father have been my biggest  supporters, cheering me on with every blog post I write, with every step I take in the publishing process and I would never have the drive and determination  to complete this task  if I didn't have them as my parents. My mother is a beautiful, talented person with an even more beautiful soul and the most giving nature. I only pray that one day I'll be half the woman she is.

 Mother's Day is always a celebration on which I reflect and give thanks to my mother for all of the ways she brightens my life. This year, more than any other, when I say "I love you Mom" it will be more than an acknowledgement of her success in fulfilling a certain role to perfection it will also be a statement with the understanding and realization attached that she is an unwavering part of me and without her there would be a gaping void in my heart and soul that would and could never be mended .

She's getting a bit stronger every day, and I have complete faith that she will be back to her cheerful self in no time. She's receiving wonderful care while in hospital and the doctors and nurses have been unbelievable to both her and my father throughout this hardship.

Everyone be sure to give thanks and love to all the mamas out there!


Please keep my mother in your thoughts and prayers.
Thank you,

Jessica Ashley

Please follow the links below to learn more about the Because I am a Girl cause initiated by Plan International:

http://becauseiamagirl.ca/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_AQA1xb4Is&feature=youtu.be

http://plan-international.org/

For copy editing services check out my site by clicking here

Follow me on twitter: Jessica Ashley@City_Rhapsody

A Creature of Habit

It's interesting how much blogging forces you to do a bit of self-assessing and soul searching. I have to say that you get to know yourself on a different level when rambling on about your passing thoughts or feelings in the moment and truly determining your view on certain aspects of all things creative.

The creative is so closely related to entertainment. It's true, when you think about it, all forms of creativity drive the entertainment industry. I have to admit although I enjoy a good art show and a dance recital, a Broadway musical etc...  I'm not much of a movie buff. I'm most certainly a creature of habit and when it comes to film, for whatever reason, I have little interest in giving two plus hours of my time to a movie production without knowing that I'm going to gain enjoyment from those two hours. At one point in the recent past, I went three years without  going to the movies. Instead I began making a collection of DVD's I had already seen and knew that I had loved the first time 'round. Strange right?( And yes, the majority of those are romantic comedies)I suppose when it comes to movies, I don't like the element of surprise. Memories of being scared out of my mind while watching the Chucky series with my older cousins, Nightmare on Elm Street and Pet Cemetary with friends at slumber parties (are they still called that?) help me to understand a little more as to why I like to know the course of events in a film ahead of time. I HATE being frightened. I'm a nervous person to begin with and I really don't understand why someone would want to subject them self to blood splatter and decapitations, bulgy- eyed dolls and melted faces.

 I like to laugh and smile, not crawl under my covers in fear.  Believe it or not, when I really contemplate my reasons for being less and less interested in partaking in the movie-going experience, I think I can pin-point it in large part to one movie. It may seem silly, but The Sixth Sense  had the most bone-chilling affect on me. I remember watching it all alone at my parents' place. They had rented it and I thought "It's got that cute little boy in it. How scary could it possibly be?" I slept with one eye open that night after watching it, and think I even remember checking under my bed for a sickly looking Mischa Barton. The final scene left me breathless. I don't think I took in oxygen for a whole minute after the movie ended. 

So that did it. I lost interest and began reverting to watching the rom-coms I could rely on to bring a smile to my face, along with Sex and the City, of course (Yes I now have the entire six seasons on DVD).  This has become the case with television as well. I haven't had cable in three years and even when I did, I selected home reno shows and lifestyle shows on HGTV or TLC so that I at least felt that there would be a benefit in the info given and I could apply it to my own life.   Similarly to my experience with thriller-type movies,  one night I gave in and watched an episode of Criminal Minds and it had me sleepless for days to follow. Really, who wants to know the premeditated process a serial killer goes through? I sure as hell don't. 

Recently however, I signed up for Netflix as a way to have access to kids movies and educational documentaries that I could show in class. I never thought that this site would become a source of entertainment in my personal life. I was wrong. Having selections at the click of the button gives so much control. When I began using the site, my first selection was How I Met Your Mother. I thought "Half an hour a day isn't so bad and it's a comedy so I won't be left trembling." I enjoyed every episode and watched the first eight seasons in a matter of a couple months. 

Here I am six months past the time I plugged in my details to the site and I've made the step to movie watching. I have to admit that when I decide to watch a movie, whether with friends or on my own, it takes a good twenty minutes to make a selection. I read all the details, sometimes fall into my habitual behaviour of selecting something I've seen twelve times already. But these past couple of selections have edged me on to expanding my horizons. Seven Pounds had me tearing up intermittently throughout. It was so relevant to one of my own student's situations that I was engaged from the first minute. Not to mention the fact that I have a mad crush on Will Smith. 

Just the other night, I discovered a hidden gem. Who would have known that Joshua Jackson would capture my attention so forcefully in any other production than Dawson's Creek? I'm referring to a 2005 film titled Shadows in the Sun.  and to be honest, it more had to do with Harvey Keitel's contributions to the film that I remained captivated. The story of a "has-been" writer who kicked writing to the curb after the death of his wife, harassed by a fear that he had nothing left to say, paired with a budding author (Jackson's character) was a wonderful mix of soul-searching and childish, prankster type interactions, not to mention a stunning setting on the hillsides of Tuscany that would be any author's preferred surroundings.

 It drew my attention to the reality that no matter how young or old, failure is a fear of all. Even those who have experienced great success.  The quote from the film which most resonated with me was when Keitel's character is discussing the inspiration of the creative and says "An artist doesn't choose their art, it chooses them."  He then goes on to say that creative people have to be a touch insane, because the chances of success are minimal, so why not let lunacy be a part of the every day and experience joy in the face of possible failure. I obviously laughed at this but then realized how true the statement is. To be honest, the happiest and craziest people I know are those who have let their art fully choose them and those who have allowed it to become a prominent part of their lives no matter how successful they've been with it. I aim for crazy happiness as my end goal by fully allowing my craft to get a hold of my heart.

Chances are, I'll watch Shadows in the Sun ten more times over the course of the next little while. A creature of habit, I tell you. I'm working on it, I swear.

Please follow the links below to learn more about the Because I am a Girl cause initiated by Plan International:

http://becauseiamagirl.ca/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_AQA1xb4Is&feature=youtu.be

http://plan-international.org/

For copy editing services check out my site by clicking here

Follow me on twitter: Jessica Ashley@City_Rhapsody

Happy reading!

Jessica Ashley Dafoe

A Tale of Two Endings With Great Expectations

From the time I was a teen, the writing of Charles Dickens amazed me. His masterpiece (one of many), Great Expectations,  was the first that captivated and astounded me.  I was a 15 year old avid reader and was asked by my 10th grade English teacher to select a novel for an independent study. Great Expectations sat eagerly awaiting my attention on my parents' bookshelf. I picked it up and dusted it off, eyeing the cover uncertain as to what mysteries were lurking behind the rather bland jacket.

A seemingly heartwarming rags to riches tale on the surface quickly morphed into a sinister and surprising tale of deception and manipulation. The characters, all purposeful, intermingle and ignite the excitement that brings the unexpected ending about. The flurry of emotions stirred up due to the weaving and interacting of characters in the various sub-plots equates to, quite simply, a remarkable effort.

For years, after reading many other of Charlie's novels, A Tale of Two Cities, A Christmas Carol, Oliver Twist etc. , I continued to feel simply amazed at how well he integrated all characters and developed each, no matter how menial in the beginning, to hold a more pertinent role as the plot moved forward. I remember contemplating the process  that he would have taken in planning the plot. I resonated on the intricate detail he must have put into his drafts and wondered as to whether or not he knew the purpose each character might have right from the initial stages of completing his manuscript or if he worked each in upon second or third revision. Later in my days at university, I was made aware of the fact that Dickens wrote many of his masterpieces in weekly installments in a newspaper, which perhaps answers my question and sheds light on the fact that he, although I'm sure had a plan, developed his characters as he went and wove plots together in the moment.

I knew that if I ever wrote a novel, I wanted to avoid creating filler characters who had no real purpose to the plot. Inspired by Dickens but unsure as to what direction my novel would take, I set off with only a rough outline in my grasp. To be honest, all that my outline involved was a few scribbled ideas about what my main character would be like and what her end destination might be. I purely wrote and added details in the moment and somehow stayed true to my intended goal. I see each character as being valuable to the plot. If one were removed, events within the novel would be null and void. Gaping holes would be rampant throughout.

I was beyond ecstatic when the editorial reviewer agreed that I had achieved this end when she commented that each character within my novel "weaves a lively dance around the heroine, Portia." I remember saying out loud, "She gets it!"

Now I'm not saying that my talent is on par with old Charlie's, but I do believe that his flawless works became the example for my plot structure. I must admit that it was when selecting the appropriate ending that I hit the first and only road block. I almost went with the "choose your own adventure" ending to avoid making the wrong decision.

I, however, went with my heart and chose the ending I knew that I, as a reader, would most appreciate, an ending that leaves more to be told. A satisfying conclusion intermingling fantasy and reality in balance.

I hope you enjoy it and will continue to follow more tantalizing tales as Portia's journey, along with her lively counterparts, continues.....

Please follow the links below to learn more about the Because I am a Girl cause initiated by Plan International:

http://becauseiamagirl.ca/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_AQA1xb4Is&feature=youtu.be

http://plan-international.org/

For copy editing services check out my site by clicking here

Follow me on twitter: Jessica Ashley@City_Rhapsody

Happy reading!

Jessica Ashley Dafoe

A Rose By Any Other Name...

What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;

                                             

Very true, Juliet, very true. However, I am becoming more and more aware that names are much more important to humankind than to the flowers we select to accent our houses and our gardens or to demonstrate affection for a loved one with.

Our given name is such an integral part of our identity and attached to every important document, every earned certificate and recognized success, every introduction (granted honest information is provided) etc. 

I've struggled over the past few months determining whether or not to write under an alias. I guess what I mean is 'pen name'. I'm no spy or criminal, believe it or not.  The final decision to do just that has not been an easy one. I'm bound to my name and a part of me would love it to be my given name that is printed across the cover of my novel and future writing projects. I've worked hard for the end result so isn't it only right that me as me is displayed for full recognition?

I love my last name,  passed on quite obviously by my wonderful dad. It's a strong name, one that I've signed proudly whether on students report cards or at the courthouse when fighting one of the 300 parking tickets I've acquired in this city (grrrrrr). It's who I am. So why write under a pen name? For a couple of legitimate reasons. The main reason being that Jessica the educator is far removed from Jessica the novelist. I'm not saying that I have a split personality, just that wearing two hats brings forth associative expectations. I suppose it's not the easiest to explain my reasoning, but it's the decision I've made and I'm sticking with it.

The last name I finally decided on after contemplating which of my relatives and ancestors' names best suit the 'Jessica Ashley' of my own, is 'Dafoe' after my great grandmother who was a woman to be admired and who will always be remembered for her loving and enduring spirit.

'Jessica Ashley Dafoe' it is and although it's not my own I suppose it does smell (or perhaps I should write 'sound') as sweet. It is, after all, a part of my heritage. I just need to start working on my signature. Sheeesh, I just perfected my signature for my given name.

Please follow the links below to learn more about the Because I am a Girl cause initiated by Plan International:

http://becauseiamagirl.ca/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_AQA1xb4Is&feature=youtu.be

http://plan-international.org/

For copy editing services check out my site by clicking here

Follow me on twitter: Jessica Ashley@City_Rhapsody

Happy reading!

Jessica Ashley Dafoe

A Pinch of Nostalgia a Hint of Creativity a Load of Determination

While reflecting on my journey from intentional hopes of writing a novel to the end result of actually having it completed and ready for publishing, I've attempted to mentally note the ingredients needed to bring it all about. I'm not a perfectionist when it comes to writing, I'm not a grammatical genius, I don't have the intrinsic and unparalleled ability to write a whole work in iambic pentameter or sing-songy sonnets. My characters aren't overly dynamic and mysterious nor do they embody human nature as one representative creation. Holden Caulfield, Elizabeth Bennet, Dorian Gray, my characters are not. But they are mine and a representation of the facets of life that make me smile and motivate me, daily.

I enjoy finding humour in the everyday, in random situations such as the moment I fall face down on the subway stairs and the majority of the manic crowd scurries and hurdles around or over me, all aside from a young boy who helps me up with a cheeky grin on his face as if to say, "Get it together, lady." I brush off my ensemble, pick up my purse, thank him with a sheepish demeanor and swallow my pride, thankful that I didn't become a tread-marked victim.

I also incorporate emotion and am inspired by what I witness around me; A gentle exchange between a couple at an adjacent table to my own, tears shed over excitement or sadness in a given moment by a friend or acquaintance. I delve into my own experience and, just as an actor does when attempting to get into character, I find myself drawing on past moments in order to relate to the possible emotions experienced by my characters in a created scenario. It's through this vulnerability and by chucking the fear aside of revisiting possibly negative, emotionally charged moments that the best descriptions are created. The characters come to life and are made identifiable, made real. Fear masks creativity. Rip that mask off and just give 'er. Let go and create.

Of course the most pertinent ingredient which allowed this creative spark to result in a full manuscript involved one trait that often is a bit absent from my days, unless a sizable fire is lit under my, by times, lazy  and sizable backside. In the past, when expected to complete a task, of course determination is cranked to the max. However, when I have expected something of myself, ' fits and bursts that dwindle to nothingness' is the more appropriate way to describe its presence in my days.

Determination has been the key to the entire project. Of course some talent or skill is required, of course a creative spark and remaining in touch with experience is necessary, but without the big D, a project like this would be sunk before it ever began sailing.

Fearless determination with a hint of creativity, a pinch of nostalgia and perhaps a dab of wit, a titch of an appreciation for the lighter side of things, a smattering of zeal, a peppering of homegrown nuttiness and I suppose a tidbit of talent; there you have it, the ingredients for a debut novel or any creative project YOU want to get underway.

It's all about the big D! (Get your minds out of the gutter, determination, determination, determination.)

Please follow the links below to learn more about the Because I am a Girl cause initiated by Plan International:

http://becauseiamagirl.ca/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_AQA1xb4Is&feature=youtu.be

http://plan-international.org/

For copy editing services check out my site by clicking here

Follow me on twitter: Jessica Ashley@City_Rhapsody

Happy reading!

Jessica Ashley Dafoe

Fashionably Punctual

I'm on time, always, for everything... and I mean everything. If not, I'm about 20 minutes early. Late? Never. Well, ok, so maybe if some sort of unexpected occurrence transpires, like a flat tire or god forbid I accidentally drop my keys down the garbage chute in a frenzy to be on time, I may be late. In such circumstances, however, I become anxious and worry-filled as if some horrendous punishment is awaiting me at my destination. I'm not just talking about work-related obligations either. I get the same uneasy feeling when attempting to avoid lateness in all scheduled engagements whether a social get together with friends or a dinner date; even a dentist or doctors appointment where when I arrive 10 minutes early, the doctor is generally a half hour late, causes me worry while racing against the clock to get there.

 Perhaps I should see someone about this, or I suppose I could just chalk it up to being a driven and time- conscious individual. It's also a bit of self- inflicted competition that has me constantly attempting to achieve set goals, even those involving time management and punctuality. So I refer to myself as fashionably punctual . By times the "fashionably" portion of this self-selected label is used in the loosest sense of the word as it's sometimes necessary to put stylish clothing selections to the bottom of my list of priorities if it means getting my butt out the door on time.

So evidently, as I'm approaching the date that I had intended my novel to be ready for launch (end of June) my stomach is in knots. Will it be ready to go? I have my fingers and toes crossed that it will, yet the publisher keeps setting me straight by doling out the negatives in regards to possible additional design revision rounds and formatting items etc. Really they are just attempting to encourage me to be realistic and stop being so stringent about a deadline as it really isn't a deadline but an unveiling. Not a death, but a birth. This view on the situation does allow me to step back a bit and stop being so damn hard on myself, but when I get a plan set in place and visualize things panning out a specific way, my often dormant type "A" side awakens. For real, in most situations I'm as carefree and take-it-as-it-comes as one could possibly be. Type 'A' in the grand scheme of things, I am not.

Being fashionably purposeful and fashionably punctual is a balance that I love to strike. Striking poses often accompanies or follows....

So what does this mean for the designated launch date? I have absolutely no freakin clue. It's all in the process and all out of my hands since I handed all that I've worked on for the past year over to the design team and publisher this past week. She's out of my hands and I've got a wonderful assistant waiting in the wings to start the party planning, I'm simply awaiting the go ahead from the ones in charge at this point. Mark the last weekend of June on your calendar, my peeps...better yet circle all of June and July, because my intended exact date has now become a ball park suggestion and I'm taking a deep breath while letting go of being fashionably punctual, if need be, when it comes to my baby's arrival.

Please follow the links below to learn more about the Because I am a Girl cause initiated by Plan International:

http://becauseiamagirl.ca/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_AQA1xb4Is&feature=youtu.be

http://plan-international.org/

For copy editing services check out my site by clicking here

Follow me on twitter: Jessica Ashley@City_Rhapsody

Happy reading!

Jessica Ashley Dafoe

Trust the Process

Oh, the roller coaster that is the creative process....A friend of mine who is an award winning artist recently posted a creative process find outlining the main thought process that one experiences when completing a work. The process is as follows:

1. This is awesome
2. This is tricky
3. This is shit
4. I am shit
5. This might be okay
6. This is awesome

When putting your heart and soul into a task having little to no idea as to how it will pan out or be received by an audience, second guessing the end result is a given. Initially, I began writing my novel as a hobby and a challenge. Many times before I have thought about doing this very thing but just always had some excuse or figment of a road block. "Oh, I'll get to it once I'm done this degree, or find my first full time teaching gig, or later when I've got a few years of teaching under my belt or later when etc....I'm just too busy, there's too much going on..."  Here I am on the other side of the excuses and the final plan of attack. The novel is complete and I love that I faced the challenge I set for myself head on, but the questions that irk me remain:
Is it any good?
Will it have an audience?
Is it purely a keepsake for me or is it something worth sharing?

About a third of the way through the writing process I decided that my manuscript would be more. I believed in it, and it's likability to a wide audience. I read it over fully after I added the final word and closed the final quotation. I felt drawn and was able to relate to the experiences of the characters...my characters. I laughed out loud at the funny interactions and intentionally ridiculous bits, but wasn't sure if it was actually funny or simply funny to me because I was so damn delirious and tired from putting every spare moment into writing my 386 page creation. So I read it again, and again, each time becoming more uncertain and less sure of how enticing it may be and as to how well it would engage a reader.

About two weeks ago I sent my manuscript off to be reviewed editorially. My heart was in my throat for the entirety it was undergoing literary autopsy. Meanwhile, I continued to drive myself nutty by returning to its pages and further scrutinizing my efforts. I found myself at stage 3/4 of the creative process. "OMG this is pure poop...it's so expected, no one is going to find this exciting or 'tantalizing'. A year of my life and spare time down the drain."  I knew that the only thing that would nudge me on to 5/6 would be a favourable review. Even a "Great debut novel, but needs tweaking and a structural overhaul" would have sufficed.

After a week and a half, my literary judgement day arrived. A single email from my publisher with the subject line Editorial Review Attached sat in my inbox ready for perusal. I felt faint, with eyes half closed I clicked the document. I began reading tentatively. Dumbfounded and in a trance-like state, I searched for the negatives. They never came. Not one negative comment was written about the tale and its structure. All that I was advised to do was to change a couple of words as they were a bit overused, and to double check the French that I included, seeing as a few plurals were used where singular usage belonged. Note to self: Don't attempt to write a novel in French.


The review was comprised of phrases such as 'amusement-filled', 'pure entertainment', 'a romp that is full of energy', 'excellent writing'  describing my efforts to create The Tantalizing Tale.

Then I began to think "Did someone pay this reviewer off? Is this for real? Aren't editorial reviews meant to rip apart a seemingly completed work only to cause the author to be knocked down a peg or two causing them the feeling that they are to begin almost entirely from scratch?" I suppose I had been hard enough on myself in the weeks prior as it was.

When I finally came to realize that this was no fluke, that I hadn't received the wrong attachment, that this was intended for me, I wept. Emotion overtook me as I thought about all of the hours I poured my heart out and into creating this tale that I intend as 'pure entertainment'.

That's not to say I'm back to the "this is awesome" stage of the creative process, but I'm well on my way and am sitting at a solid 5. Presently, I'm searching for additional reviews so I can stop asking random people on the street to pinch me back to reality (I'm getting concerned looks), and instead have full confirmation that I can and will reach that final stage of the creative process.

 And that end result, my friends, will be pretty freakin awesome....

Please follow the links below to learn more about the Because I am a Girl cause initiated by Plan International:

http://becauseiamagirl.ca/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_AQA1xb4Is&feature=youtu.be

http://plan-international.org/

For copy editing services check out my site by clicking here

Follow me on twitter: Jessica Ashley@City_Rhapsody

Happy reading!

Jessica Ashley Dafoe